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El Bloggo Torcido

("The Twisted Blog" - more or less)

Welcome to the new home of The Twisted Blog! If you are looking for older posts you can find them here. Have fun!

El Jefe
 
July 11, 2012 | El Jefe

Private Chicken - On Mars?

"The Adventures of Private Chicken... as clucked to SGT F"

SGT F is now a team commander and is moving around a lot more, he says "things are going to get crazy around here... but I won't forget where I came from either...."

private chicken at the movies“Uh, Sergeant, why is the room so dark?”.

“Hush Private, no talking! I all ready told you we were going to the movies. After the work we have done the last two weeks, it’s time to relax a little bit“.

“Are we going to see Chicken Little? Such a brave chicken.”

“No, we are not going to see Chicken Little; we are going to watch John Carter."

“Is it a scary movie? You know I get scared easily.”

“No Private, it is not a scary movie; you’ll be fine”.

“Well, can we have popcorn or candy?”

“No Private, we can not have popcorn or candy. You will not have fancy reclining chairs or even a real theater. You will, however, enjoy the fact that occasionally we can go to the movies and kind of forget where we are for two hours (and enjoy the fact that they are fairly current releases).”

“Kind of like of when you put me in the closet Sergeant?”

“I told you Private to never discuss the closet. Now shut up and enjoy the movie..."

Catch up on previous dispatches here.

Time Posted: Jul 11, 2012 at 2:17 PM
El Jefe
 
June 23, 2012 | El Jefe

DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY PRIVATE!

"The Adventures of Private Chicken... as clucked to SGT F"

You think you are the “Foster Imposter?” Your plumpness is not from working out!

Private Chicken has been putting on a few ounces (hey, when you only weigh a couple of pounds, ounces count!) Our motto here is simple; you either go home weighing three hundred pounds or you go home lifting three hundred pounds. And we prefer the latter over the former (actually, so does the US Army…)

Working out accomplishes several things. One, it relieves a lot of stress (deployed, no family, extremely long hours, dangerous environment etc.) Two, it breaks up the time you are here. As long as you stay busy, time will go by faster (“SGT F, what is this 'time' you talk about?” TIME?! I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!! KEEP PUSHING MAGGOT!!). Third, and probably most important, you are required to maintain physical readiness at all times. So the gym really helps in that regard.

Private Chicken has advised me that he sucks at push-ups (he has no arms, people…) but he has gotten really good at shooting hoops (as he says, “straight from the coop - to shoot some hoop” - I don’t know what has gotten into him lately…) What he really excels at is running - go figure. But now that he has worked it out, I will probably allow him some leisure activity - maybe say a movie…?

SGT F is a Twisted Few wine club member, serving in the US military someplace in Afghanistan, with his (t)rusty sidekick, Private Chicken. SGT F sends us periodic transcriptions of Private Chicken's tour of duty. (You can find previous installments here.) 

El Jefe
 
June 12, 2012 | El Jefe

Have a Cigar!

"The Adventures of Private Chicken... as clucked to SGT F"

SGT F is a Twisted Few wine club member, serving in the US military someplace in Afghanistan, with his (t)rusty sidekick, Private Chicken. SGT F sends us periodic transcriptions of Private Chicken's tour of duty. (If you missed the first episode, here it is!) Your next installment...

Now, this is the life! Welcome to the third deck of the US National Support Element, or NSE for short. Here, we are able to relax (as much as possible) and enjoy the wonderfully crappy air. Every Tuesday night is cigar night (where we get to sit around smoking cigars - NOT drinking brandy and congratulating ourselves on being masters of the universe….). This is one of the few things we get to do that breaks up the monotony of being here (Private Chicken, you just got here - you don’t know about monotony yet - remember last week's theme…?)

No, the Private is not smoking his cigar - he has no way of holding a lit object. He is enjoying the camaraderie of the fellow soldiers and wondering why there are no chickens to be found anywhere (I just haven’t got the heart to tell him yet….) On some days, the view can be pretty nice but since they burn everything here (and I mean everything…) the air is downright awful - I did not know we were surrounded by the mountains till my second week here… [Actually, sounds just like growing up in LA - El Jefe]

The Private is missing California and his other family, but knows there is a mission to accomplish (embrace it, Private - embrace it…). He has been getting a little soft so next week we will show you where we go twice a day - the gym…..

Time Posted: Jun 12, 2012 at 12:25 PM
El Jefe
 
June 6, 2012 | El Jefe

Learning to Embrace the Suck

"The Adventures of Private Chicken... as clucked to SGT F"

SGT F is a Twisted Few wine club member, serving in the US military someplace in Afghanistan, with his (t)rusty sidekick, Private Chicken. SGT F will be sending us periodic transcriptions of Private Chicken's tour of duty. Here (such as it is) is the first installment...

private chickenGreetings from an undisclosed location in Afghanistan. I figured Tuesday would be a great day to blog about Private Chicken, as it is the only day we have off. Some complain about work weeks that are twelve hours long, six days a week. Personally I wonder, what else are you going to do? Travel outside the wire to do some shopping? I figured for the twenty-six weeks or so that we have left over here, I would try and enlighten the masses about what we do over here, our accommodations and what we do when we are not working.

private chickenPrivate Chicken and I work in communications and computer-system-network operations (funny thing since the net is really horrible here). The pictures here show our accommodations - and he is not happy since he allegedly is a “free range” chicken. Whatever - embrace the suck, Private….! Imagine if you will a “POD” system they deliver to your driveway (only longer). We are all of seven feet wide by twenty feet long (thank goodness my roommates are on my team). Showers and latrine are down the hall - the Private has been notified that he can not just crap wherever he wants. We gotta live here!

He is kind of upset that, coming from winery, there is no alcohol anywhere (hell, we don’t even have a vineyard...) Again, I told the Private to embrace the suck (a very common theme around here….) We stay very busy and with that being said, there may be a week or two where we won’t be around. But next week…….he gets to visit the cigar bar……… SGT F.

Well, THAT should be interesting! Stay tuned for next week's episode!

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